Well its been just over 2 years since I added to this blog and much has happened. Unfortunately I have gained back half of what I lost in 2005-2007 which is demoralising. I detest being an emotional eater. I would much rather be one of those people who lost their appetite when upset or unsettled. I run for the carbs...and carbs are NOT our friend. I don't eat massive amounts but unless I am on a strict diet I gain weight...thats just how it is. That is how it has always been.

However this is a new year and I need to stop and work out how to move forward in my weight-loss journey rather than keep sliding backwards. This whole thing would be easier if I actually liked myself. Instead I find myself a total disappointment in many ways but primarily in the area of my weight. When I gain weight my self esteem suffers and the downward cycle spins out of control. Logically I know I am quite a nice person and have many positive attributes but they fade away when I look in the mirror or see a photo of myself. I ruin every photo I am in.

People of normal weight don't understand...they think they do...but they don't have any idea of what its like to live in a world where you feel 'different' or 'abnormal' - where even your clothes size cant blend in with other people's - anything over an 18 is banished to a separate area. WTF is that about....!!! Society treats us as non-people, if you are fat...you are ugly. The words 'fat and ugly' tend to fit nicely together. The thing is ... I actually believe that...fat = ugly.

So here I am ...fat and fifty...a fate I was trying to avoid in 2005 but one which has come to pass. I dont want to be fat and fifty five. Lets see how I go.