Well its been just over 2 years since I added to this blog and much has happened. Unfortunately I have gained back half of what I lost in 2005-2007 which is demoralising. I detest being an emotional eater. I would much rather be one of those people who lost their appetite when upset or unsettled. I run for the carbs...and carbs are NOT our friend. I don't eat massive amounts but unless I am on a strict diet I gain weight...thats just how it is. That is how it has always been.

However this is a new year and I need to stop and work out how to move forward in my weight-loss journey rather than keep sliding backwards. This whole thing would be easier if I actually liked myself. Instead I find myself a total disappointment in many ways but primarily in the area of my weight. When I gain weight my self esteem suffers and the downward cycle spins out of control. Logically I know I am quite a nice person and have many positive attributes but they fade away when I look in the mirror or see a photo of myself. I ruin every photo I am in.

People of normal weight don't understand...they think they do...but they don't have any idea of what its like to live in a world where you feel 'different' or 'abnormal' - where even your clothes size cant blend in with other people's - anything over an 18 is banished to a separate area. WTF is that about....!!! Society treats us as non-people, if you are fat...you are ugly. The words 'fat and ugly' tend to fit nicely together. The thing is ... I actually believe that...fat = ugly.

So here I am ...fat and fifty...a fate I was trying to avoid in 2005 but one which has come to pass. I dont want to be fat and fifty five. Lets see how I go.

Merry Christmas. I havent managed to lose any weight since September but then i havent gained any more. Well mind you i have not hopped on the scales since before Christmas so that may not be quite true. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of joining WW online. When i reflect over the ups and downs i find that ...i lost 43kg and then gained back 20! I am still 23kg ahead. I have a healthier lifestyle than i used to have. I have made a lot of friends on this journey...many of whom will be friends forever.

So all up...I am ahead. Tomorrow marks a new start and lets see if i can lose these 20kg in 2009. I know i can do it if i keep myself motivated....or maybe i just stitch up my mouth!!! I am definitely a happier person than i was 3 years ago. Thats the main thing...

I have given myself an upper cut after months of gaining weight. I am now back at 122.5kg!! Terrible!! I had been down at 105.9 and now I have to lose 16.6kg just to get back to where i was god knows how long ago. No excuses....just took my eyes off the ball and lost my motivation and now I have shot myself in the foot big time. This week I have been good and at the moment I am just taking one day at a time. My clothes are tight and I feel like a total blob.

My friend Nicki is back from the UK and we are catching up tomorrow. She has been bad as well so hopefully we will both weigh a lot less by Christmas. There is around 13 weeks till Christmas and I would like to be at least 10kg lighter by then. If i really put my mind to it I am sure I can get back into this ww caper. I just have to track track and track some more. I just have to do this. I am sick of being fat.

This post is for my favourite stalker Lou who reminded me last night that I havent updated this blog for a while. The last few weeks have been an epiphany for me and have resulted in the loss of 1.2 of the rogue kilos that came back on over Christmas and the new year. I figure i have 4.5 to go to get back down to my lowest ever. I always said I never wanted to lose the same kilo twice but thats exactly what i did most of last year. In a way it is disappointing but as a pragmatist I figure that I have to learn to recover from my mistakes. I did find out what drives my eating though..

As soon as I stopped my last job and had a break mentally I was GONE. I dont know whether it was because I was out of a work routine or whether I was concerned about going broke but I figure the relaxation got to me. I kicked up my heels and piled on 2 kg. I was perfect while in Fiji early November and had been working towards losing for that trip but when i came home and had my birthday it was all downhill till mid Jan. I had a number of work worries and was being stuffed around in this regard so there was a lot of underlying stress in my life.

Its behind me now for the moment but I will be forever mindful that the demon lurks in the shadows at all times waiting for a weak moment to pounce. To give myself a shake up I am following the regime my sisters PT has put her on plus counting my points. All it consists of is WW but I go easy on some carbs. I am off bread, rice, pasta, taties and empty sugar calories. I am using High Protein, Low carb food bars and fruit for snacks instead of bikkies etc. The protein bars I choose are the lowest fat ones i can find and although they have about 1 point per 15g they really keep you feeling full. I just cut off an inch mid afternoon and at morning tea and feel full till dinner. The points arent a problem and in fact its hard to have 22 without bread, rice or pasta or crap so the protein bars help a bit in that regard. I am a few points below my allotment most days anyway.

The woolly woofers are looking at me with sad faces as its after 9am and they have not been for their walk. The rain has paused for the moment so I had best get some exercise and then i will take them to the dog food shop to pick up their food for the week. They love going there as they are given heaps of treats and told they are gorgeous ... which they are.

I took a long hard look at myself over the new year break and decided to give myself an upper cut and get back to what I should have been concentrating on the last few months...LOSING...

I gained a few kilos over christmas just by not watching what I ate and suddenly the jeans felt tighter and I felt like I was swimming in fluid and bloated. I hated it! I weighed in last week at 110.2kg so am around 4kg heavier than I was at my lightest. Shocking!!! Honestly I thought I was over all of this and had transplanted my brain for that of a skinny person...eating healthily, not being addicted to sugar and enjoying exercise. Obviously NOT. Its honestly scary how fast we regress but really its hard to change a lifetime habit.

So my life is tracking!!! I am back on points because even though I enjoy core, I cant trust myself. Part of what got me in trouble was that when i went to core I didnt bother tracking. Why would you track 21 points a week?? Huge mistake.

The damage is only peripheral so watch this space for some rather mighty losses......

Today is my second anniversary on ww and its not quite as auspicious as the last one! I have lost about 10kg all year!

I have been gaining and losing the same few kilos since August and have gained in the past week or so. I wont know until Monday what the extent of the damage is. In any case today is a new start and Nicki and I along with Bill have all decided to get back on the wagon completely. I am doing ww and they are doing Calorieking.

To this end i have switched back to points for a while to get a handle on portion sizes again and I am also tracking everything. This is the year I get to goal!! I have wasted some time but on the bright side my skin has caught up and it is no longer loose. In truth I was pretty OK until the last few weeks but once I decided to hop back on the wagon today my mind went ga ga and basically I ate every naughty thing that I could. I thought I had learned something....just goes to show how quickly we can revert to our old habits.

I will never be free of this monster but I will have to learn to control it better!

Here's a hysterical shot of 15yo niece Charlie pimped up for Halloween.

Its been a while since i visited the blog and much has happened in one way or another since I got back from Fiji. Firstly I have been on a holiday from weightloss to a certain extent. I just cant bring myself to be bothered about it really. I have only put on about 2-3kg and have been yo-yoing around this since August which isnt too bad. My skin is no longer spongy and loose which is a plus so i think the time off has let it catch up to the rest of me to a certain extent.

I have started up my own accounting consulting business and without advertising am now at this about 6 days a week which seems a lot but the way i have organised it is that i have extra time during the day to myself and work a lot at nights logging into several workplaces remotely. My nickname at one of them is Casper...the friendly ghost. If my BIL is working on his laptop at night and i am working remotely on the desktop he can see the screen flicking madly and the mouse flitting across it. Firstly he dubbed me the poltergeist and now its Casper. I also do work for the Primary English Teaching Assocn and they are really nice people. Its close to home within a primary school and they actually take time together to have "play lunch" in the meal room. In mid Jan i am taking up another contract which is 3.5 days a week but they want 5 which will be interesting. Anyway i am juggling long hours to get PETA into a state where i can move to 1.5 days a week (0.5 remotely). I will then juggle work for my BIL a few hours a month or as required.

The previous incumbent at PETA left with little notice and no procedures and those working there were never empowered in their roles and dont know how to fix their own problems. So its a challenge ..... but then i like a challenge. The only problem has been that i am working like a madwoman to get months worth of improvements in place before mid Jan when the other contract comes onboard. This includes employing a fantastic part time AP/AR clerk who can keep the place rolling when i am not on site. This has meant working till 2 am most nights and i must admit to entering the christmas break feeling like a disorganised zombie. Thank the lord i had 2 months break in Sep/Oct.

All of this has done no good for my ww as i have no time for the message boards and chatroom and little time to cook, shop or anything else. Anyway Nicki (Blownupdolly) and I have agreed that we will restart proper on 29th December which is my 2nd year anniversary. We will both be good support for each other and i must say that i am relieved i will have some help in all of this. Meanwhile i will endeavour to stay around my 2kg gain till then.

Stay tuned for some major goals in 2008.