Well its been just over 2 years since I added to this blog and much has happened. Unfortunately I have gained back half of what I lost in 2005-2007 which is demoralising. I detest being an emotional eater. I would much rather be one of those people who lost their appetite when upset or unsettled. I run for the carbs...and carbs are NOT our friend. I don't eat massive amounts but unless I am on a strict diet I gain weight...thats just how it is. That is how it has always been.

However this is a new year and I need to stop and work out how to move forward in my weight-loss journey rather than keep sliding backwards. This whole thing would be easier if I actually liked myself. Instead I find myself a total disappointment in many ways but primarily in the area of my weight. When I gain weight my self esteem suffers and the downward cycle spins out of control. Logically I know I am quite a nice person and have many positive attributes but they fade away when I look in the mirror or see a photo of myself. I ruin every photo I am in.

People of normal weight don't understand...they think they do...but they don't have any idea of what its like to live in a world where you feel 'different' or 'abnormal' - where even your clothes size cant blend in with other people's - anything over an 18 is banished to a separate area. WTF is that about....!!! Society treats us as non-people, if you are fat...you are ugly. The words 'fat and ugly' tend to fit nicely together. The thing is ... I actually believe that...fat = ugly.

So here I am ...fat and fifty...a fate I was trying to avoid in 2005 but one which has come to pass. I dont want to be fat and fifty five. Lets see how I go.

Merry Christmas. I havent managed to lose any weight since September but then i havent gained any more. Well mind you i have not hopped on the scales since before Christmas so that may not be quite true. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of joining WW online. When i reflect over the ups and downs i find that ...i lost 43kg and then gained back 20! I am still 23kg ahead. I have a healthier lifestyle than i used to have. I have made a lot of friends on this journey...many of whom will be friends forever.

So all up...I am ahead. Tomorrow marks a new start and lets see if i can lose these 20kg in 2009. I know i can do it if i keep myself motivated....or maybe i just stitch up my mouth!!! I am definitely a happier person than i was 3 years ago. Thats the main thing...

I have given myself an upper cut after months of gaining weight. I am now back at 122.5kg!! Terrible!! I had been down at 105.9 and now I have to lose 16.6kg just to get back to where i was god knows how long ago. No excuses....just took my eyes off the ball and lost my motivation and now I have shot myself in the foot big time. This week I have been good and at the moment I am just taking one day at a time. My clothes are tight and I feel like a total blob.

My friend Nicki is back from the UK and we are catching up tomorrow. She has been bad as well so hopefully we will both weigh a lot less by Christmas. There is around 13 weeks till Christmas and I would like to be at least 10kg lighter by then. If i really put my mind to it I am sure I can get back into this ww caper. I just have to track track and track some more. I just have to do this. I am sick of being fat.

This post is for my favourite stalker Lou who reminded me last night that I havent updated this blog for a while. The last few weeks have been an epiphany for me and have resulted in the loss of 1.2 of the rogue kilos that came back on over Christmas and the new year. I figure i have 4.5 to go to get back down to my lowest ever. I always said I never wanted to lose the same kilo twice but thats exactly what i did most of last year. In a way it is disappointing but as a pragmatist I figure that I have to learn to recover from my mistakes. I did find out what drives my eating though..

As soon as I stopped my last job and had a break mentally I was GONE. I dont know whether it was because I was out of a work routine or whether I was concerned about going broke but I figure the relaxation got to me. I kicked up my heels and piled on 2 kg. I was perfect while in Fiji early November and had been working towards losing for that trip but when i came home and had my birthday it was all downhill till mid Jan. I had a number of work worries and was being stuffed around in this regard so there was a lot of underlying stress in my life.

Its behind me now for the moment but I will be forever mindful that the demon lurks in the shadows at all times waiting for a weak moment to pounce. To give myself a shake up I am following the regime my sisters PT has put her on plus counting my points. All it consists of is WW but I go easy on some carbs. I am off bread, rice, pasta, taties and empty sugar calories. I am using High Protein, Low carb food bars and fruit for snacks instead of bikkies etc. The protein bars I choose are the lowest fat ones i can find and although they have about 1 point per 15g they really keep you feeling full. I just cut off an inch mid afternoon and at morning tea and feel full till dinner. The points arent a problem and in fact its hard to have 22 without bread, rice or pasta or crap so the protein bars help a bit in that regard. I am a few points below my allotment most days anyway.

The woolly woofers are looking at me with sad faces as its after 9am and they have not been for their walk. The rain has paused for the moment so I had best get some exercise and then i will take them to the dog food shop to pick up their food for the week. They love going there as they are given heaps of treats and told they are gorgeous ... which they are.

I took a long hard look at myself over the new year break and decided to give myself an upper cut and get back to what I should have been concentrating on the last few months...LOSING...

I gained a few kilos over christmas just by not watching what I ate and suddenly the jeans felt tighter and I felt like I was swimming in fluid and bloated. I hated it! I weighed in last week at 110.2kg so am around 4kg heavier than I was at my lightest. Shocking!!! Honestly I thought I was over all of this and had transplanted my brain for that of a skinny person...eating healthily, not being addicted to sugar and enjoying exercise. Obviously NOT. Its honestly scary how fast we regress but really its hard to change a lifetime habit.

So my life is tracking!!! I am back on points because even though I enjoy core, I cant trust myself. Part of what got me in trouble was that when i went to core I didnt bother tracking. Why would you track 21 points a week?? Huge mistake.

The damage is only peripheral so watch this space for some rather mighty losses......

Today is my second anniversary on ww and its not quite as auspicious as the last one! I have lost about 10kg all year!

I have been gaining and losing the same few kilos since August and have gained in the past week or so. I wont know until Monday what the extent of the damage is. In any case today is a new start and Nicki and I along with Bill have all decided to get back on the wagon completely. I am doing ww and they are doing Calorieking.

To this end i have switched back to points for a while to get a handle on portion sizes again and I am also tracking everything. This is the year I get to goal!! I have wasted some time but on the bright side my skin has caught up and it is no longer loose. In truth I was pretty OK until the last few weeks but once I decided to hop back on the wagon today my mind went ga ga and basically I ate every naughty thing that I could. I thought I had learned something....just goes to show how quickly we can revert to our old habits.

I will never be free of this monster but I will have to learn to control it better!

Here's a hysterical shot of 15yo niece Charlie pimped up for Halloween.

Its been a while since i visited the blog and much has happened in one way or another since I got back from Fiji. Firstly I have been on a holiday from weightloss to a certain extent. I just cant bring myself to be bothered about it really. I have only put on about 2-3kg and have been yo-yoing around this since August which isnt too bad. My skin is no longer spongy and loose which is a plus so i think the time off has let it catch up to the rest of me to a certain extent.

I have started up my own accounting consulting business and without advertising am now at this about 6 days a week which seems a lot but the way i have organised it is that i have extra time during the day to myself and work a lot at nights logging into several workplaces remotely. My nickname at one of them is Casper...the friendly ghost. If my BIL is working on his laptop at night and i am working remotely on the desktop he can see the screen flicking madly and the mouse flitting across it. Firstly he dubbed me the poltergeist and now its Casper. I also do work for the Primary English Teaching Assocn and they are really nice people. Its close to home within a primary school and they actually take time together to have "play lunch" in the meal room. In mid Jan i am taking up another contract which is 3.5 days a week but they want 5 which will be interesting. Anyway i am juggling long hours to get PETA into a state where i can move to 1.5 days a week (0.5 remotely). I will then juggle work for my BIL a few hours a month or as required.

The previous incumbent at PETA left with little notice and no procedures and those working there were never empowered in their roles and dont know how to fix their own problems. So its a challenge ..... but then i like a challenge. The only problem has been that i am working like a madwoman to get months worth of improvements in place before mid Jan when the other contract comes onboard. This includes employing a fantastic part time AP/AR clerk who can keep the place rolling when i am not on site. This has meant working till 2 am most nights and i must admit to entering the christmas break feeling like a disorganised zombie. Thank the lord i had 2 months break in Sep/Oct.

All of this has done no good for my ww as i have no time for the message boards and chatroom and little time to cook, shop or anything else. Anyway Nicki (Blownupdolly) and I have agreed that we will restart proper on 29th December which is my 2nd year anniversary. We will both be good support for each other and i must say that i am relieved i will have some help in all of this. Meanwhile i will endeavour to stay around my 2kg gain till then.

Stay tuned for some major goals in 2008.

A lot has happened in the last few months. I have had a huge break, had a birthday, gone to Fiji and come back with a tan but been a bit slack with my diet and exercise. I havent gained but I also havent lost. The goal of being under 100 by my birthday on 6th November just didnt happen.

Its actually been nice to have breathing space and hopefully I can get back on board totally, start tracking again and start losing. On the positive side i guess i have become good at maintenance!

I have taken on contract work with several companies and am enjoying the change of pace. Its nice to be able to sleep in a bit, walk the dogs a bit later, go off and meet someone for lunch and then perhaps log into a client and work for hours late into the night. I will have to ensure i dont become nocturnal.

Summers here and its hot hot hot. I do love summer. The calendar for December is starting to look quite full. The side benefit of being a contractor to many is that you go to lots of parties.

Here's a pic of Fiji.

Today I was Granny for a day. My parents could not make it to Gabrielle's grandparents day so I filled in. It was great to see her Kindie, meet her teachers and friends and spend time with her showing me around. I managed to sit on the tiny chairs with ease and had one shot taken with her but i look massive as i was sitting on the tiny chairs with my legs doubled up so I was basically squatting. There is a lovely one of her climbing a tree. We coloured in and read books and i helped her jump on the trampoline and climb trees. The kids sang a lot of songs and played instruments. I dont think i have been inside a kindie since i left mine in about 1964. It hasnt changed much.

Saturdays weigh in was 106.4 which is a great loss from the week before - 2.1 kg to be exact. Just goes to show my suspicions about water retention were correct. I am finding it difficult at the moment mostly because i have gone into holiday mode I think! I have decided to just do my best until i start work in a week or so. I will be working 3 days a week which is excellent. I can work the other 2 days if i feel like it but maybe to start with i wont! I will be working with my lover/friend which will be interesting. The money is excellent so lets just hope i do a good job. It will all be new to me as this is an industry i dont really understand. My brother in law needs some financial help to expand his business so i will use some of my time for him. The rest will be spent on ME....getting fitter and doing things for myself.

Weird week weightwise. I started at 108.5, was 108.2 on sunday, 107.1 on Monday, 105.9 on Tues, 106.4 on Wed and 107.4 on Thus and 106.1 today... I had an antihistamine on Tuesday and look what it did! I am going to watch that in future! Hopefully my weigh in tomorrow will be under 105.9 - I hope so...I so want a loss!!!

Its thundering here and Lucy is trying to climb in my lap. Bit hard to type with a trembling 32.2kg dog in your lap and another trying to distract her by biting her head. Bloody hell!

I have decided that since nobody seems to be able to let me BE in terms of work then I may as well just agree to work and be done with it. So my decision is to take another week off and then work 3 days a week for a while. This is not sustainable in the long term financially but as i was not going to work at all till the end of October i guess i can afford to do this till the end of Nov or maybe even Xmas. Ideally i would like to work 4 days a week. I worked out I can afford to do this!

The cosmos did not seem happy for me to take a break. Even while I havent been working I have been taking many work calls a day, minding my friends 2 Samoyeds which means i am hamstrung feeding twice a day and walking them too. There is no rest for the wicked.

I am stupid. Truly stupid. You would think that after 20 months i would have learned something! Two weeks and 2.6kg heavier, I am smacking myself about the head. I think that some of it is due to hormonal fluid retention but I deserve at least half of it!

These are my sins.... I ate like a fat person this week. I had fish and chips once, several serves of gelato, pigged out on fathers day chinese, ate a date scone and had pizza for lunch once. I had a bit of alcohol but not much. Apart from all of this I ate just a bit much each day as I was continually hungry. I dont know why.... but i suspect it is stress and change.

Just shows what happens when you change your lifestyle. Two weeks ago the business i was working for sort of went into liquidation which means i dont have a job right now. I am totally out of routine, going out to lunch more often and not eating breakfast till late. My water intake has suffered somewhat as well. I have decided to take a break but most people seem intent on finding me work. It has been driving me nuts. Anyway I have work when I want it and hopefully will be paid out what i am still owed by the last company.

On monday I am re-starting the 8 week challenge in earnest and will have to think about my goals. I think I will try to get to 103.9kg this time. Thats a 2kg loss on my lightest of 105.9. Today I am back at 108.5kg...grrrr

I am STUPID!!!

This is me with eldest niece Prue who turned 21 on 15th August...isnt she a stunner!!! As usual I look constipated...always happens when i try to smile!!!

For those Myers Briggs followers here is my profile for what it is worth!

I weighed in last week and all the work i have done has made up for last weeks hiccup. I saw Nicki..aka Blownupdolly off back to the UK at the airport and then caught the train to the Quay and walked and walked from the Quay up George St to Chinatown. I walked around 2 hours all up that day and then weighed in 2.1kg lighter than last week which makes me now 105.9kg.

I'm still learning about my body every week. How it reacts to alcohol is odd. One glass and i am a gonner weightwise for at least 3 days. I can walk for hours and hours and it doesnt always result in additional losses but i really enjoy it.

Ive had a bad week. I hopped on the scales this morning and am 2kg heavier than last week. Admittedly the day before weigh in I went to yum cha for lunch and had 2 beers and a custard tart. I also had dinner at Flying Fish with Nicki. I enjoyed myself and had champagne, wine and cognac, not to mention dessert and petit fours. I also had a bag of hot chips during the week...SHOCK HORROR

I dont think all of this was worth 2kg and some will no doubt come off in the next few days. This morning I wiped the slate clean and have been impeccable all day!

I guess we all have to have time off and this is the first huge blow out Ive had in 19 months. I did enjoy myself.

Not overly worried about a gain of 0.2kg after the losses of the last 2 weeks. Thought I would go back and have a look at how Ive done in terms of my measurements. Here are my stats to date:

Chest was 142.5 and is now 120 which is a loss of 22.5cm off the girls!
Waist was 131.5 and is now 107 which is a loss of 24.5cm
Hip was 150 and is now 126.5 which is a loss of 23.5cm
Thigh waqs 84cm and is now 66.5 which is a loss of 17.5cm per thight or 35cm all up
Fladoobadahs were 49 and are now 42.5 each which is a loss of 6.5cm or 13 for the pair.
Neck was 44 and is now 37 which is a loss of 7cm.
Weight was 149.4 and is now 106.2 which is a loss of 43.2kg

So total cm lost is 125.5 as long as Ive done the maths correctly. Not bad in 82 weeks. Thats 1.53cm per week and 0.53kg per week.

God its hell to be an accountant!!!

Week 2 of the 8 week challenge saw another 0.9kg gone forever. I am still enjoying Core and it seems to be working. I ate a couple of non-core things on the weekend basically to clear out the freezer. They were not evil things...just not core. I still have some things to go - but I'll have them little by little over the next few weeks.

Total loss is now 43.4kg and I weigh 106kg on the knocker. So far I've been doing this for 81 weeks so the average works out to 0.536kg a week which is better than I thought it would be. Next week i will do my measurements. The size 18 corduroy pants I got a month or so ago are now swimming on me so maybe there has been some decent movement there!

End of Week 1 of the 8 week challenge and I've lost 1kg which puts me at 106.9kg. This means I have to lose 4.5kg over the next 7 weeks to reach my goal for this challenge. On average thats 0.64kg per week which i havent managed since last year!

Core has been fun so far. I find its easier to eat out and I find myself having way less sugar points than i did under the points system. The boys at work salivate at my popcorn cooked in a brown paper bag in the microwave each afternoon. I make extra food at dinner and take leftovers to work for lunch which i would not have done under points esp if it was pasta or rice as they are too "expensive". Anyway for whatever reason its working well for me and i know i was ready to shake things up a bit.

Brrr its so cold being thinner! This winter I am really feeling the cold. I suppose that 42kg of fat keeps you well insulated. I had to give in and go buy an electric blanket which i have not needed for years. Next will be a gas heater as the dimplex just doesnt cut it!

I just started week 3 of core and am on Day 2 of an 8 week Weightwatchers challenge started by some of the ladies on the 30+ forum. So far its going very well and its an interesting change not to have to count EVERYTHING you put into your mouth. Even I can count to 21 without a calculator (number of non-core food points for the week for the uninitiated). I am trying not to have all my extra points and if I do I am making them very healthy ones - like nuts and sultanas and roasted chickpeas. My one allowance is a cup of Dark Hot chocolate made on water which gives me an evening buzz. Its not sweet - just that bitter chocolate flavour and i reckon must have a whack of caffeine in it.

My goal is to be at 102.5kg by the end of this challenge. Lets see how I go. From there it will be a mere doddle to get under 100 (I hope)

Well something worked for me this week because 1.4kg dropped off. So its either Core or TTOM but I dont really mind. This is only the weight that came on a couple of weeks ago for no good reason plus a small loss outside of that but hey... I weigh less that I have done for years and am having a nice time finding out all the mistakes I have made on Core because I never bother to read the directions properly. I launched into it and am just working it out as I go along. I hadnt read the part about only having 2 slices of bread a day but now I know and have gone back and figured out that rice and pasta are once a day foods. At least I read about that before i breached the rules and not after!

I ended up buying the painting of Basil that was in the Glebe Art Show. I dont know where I will put it but as Nicki quite rightly said - its a once in a lifetime thing that someone actually paints your dog! I will post a pic of the painting when i pick it up next week.

Yes its been a while but there isnt a lot to say! That normally doesnt stop me from saying something though. This week I have taken the plunge and switched to Core just to see if the shake up will get this all rolling again. I have to say I have been sticking to points and doing exercise but the losses just arent coming. Ive tried the Wendie plan again and as before it stuffed with my brain. In my mind the only thing left to do is switch to Core for a while. I start core at 108.8kg so lets see what happens.

So far I've found it to be a nice change and the good thing is that its making me count the "bad" stuff which is a nice way of keeping that in focus as I do tend to spend a lot of points on crap. Maybe its WHAT i have been eating thats the issue? Anyway as my mother says "time will tell".

Other areas in my life are ticking along although it would be good for the business I am working with to make a sale so that I know I have a job in the near future. It does make planning somewhat of a nebulous pursuit.

Fairly crap pic of me (in the middle) with Dad, Mum, BIL Julio and youngest niece Gabby. I just cant take a good pic...oh well....maybe next time...